To Get Through the Election, Use Ozempic
The two major party candidates provide ample reasons for pessimism about the future of the republic. If you’re a fanatical partisan on the left or right, you may find yourself compulsively stuffing your face with gluten-free avocado toast or nacho cheese Doritos, respectively.
Ditto if you’re a double-hating libertarian who is just about ready to give into solipsism.
If you don’t want to become diabetic from nervous snacking as you worry about what a candidate’s most rabid supporters will do if their preferred authoritarian is not elected, you should consider pairing a shot of Ozempic with your election season doomscrolling.
Of course, there are many ways to achieve the caloric golden mean. You could simply get some fresh air and go for a walk. A decidedly less healthful (but significantly more fun) way to shed the pounds is to sate your cravings by smoking a cigarette. Hell, maybe even a carton if you live in a sin-tax-free state. If you live in a swing state, doing 10 push-ups every time you receive a GOTV text could jumpstart a new life of increased upper body strength. However, if you have deep pockets (or generous insurance), you could also consider injecting Ozempic as appetite-suppressing preventative care.
While both major party candidates can seem inhuman, they aren’t lizard people (we are pretty sure). Oddly enough, though, semaglutide does have a reptilian connection: the active ingredient in Ozempic is a synthetic version of a metabolism-suppressing hormone found in Gila monster venom.
Both possible presidential candidates have promised not to touch Medicare, Medicaid, and Veterans Affairs or to expand them. The 42 percent of obese Americans disproportionately avail themselves of these taxpayer-funded transfer programs.
Bipartisan monetary laxity and fiscal irresponsibility aren’t going away anytime soon—though we’re working hard to change that at Reason. Our cravings, both financial and gastronom
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