Your Relationship Problems Aren’t Always About the Patriarchy
This week, The New York Times sparked online fervor when writer Catherine Pearson penned an article discussing “mankeeping,” the hot new internet term describing women’s exhaustion and annoyance at having to perform various acts of “emotional labor” for their male partners.
“Mankeeping,” Pearson writes, “describes the work women do to meet the social and emotional needs of the men in their lives, from supporting their partners through daily challenges and inner turmoil, to encouraging them to meet up with their friends.”
For the story, Pearson interviewed 37-year-old Eve Tilley-Colson, who while seemingly happy with her boyfriend, “finds herself offering him a fair amount of social and emotional scaffolding,” according to Pearson. Tilley-Colson said she tends to make the social plans, and she and her boyfriend hang out primarily with her friends.
“I feel responsible for bringing the light to the relationship,” she told Pearson.
The article quickly attracted online controversy, with X users in particular pointing out that mankeeping seemed to describe, well, the typical emotional support most people are expected to provide in a loving relationship.
“Why does it seem like so many people just don’t enjoy being with their partners??? My bf can spend all his time with me I love him,” wrote one user.
“‘Emotional labor’ has become code for ‘people should never present an inconvenience to me’ This is why so some people’s friendships consist of very little more than going to brunch,” added commentator Allie Voss. “If you want surface level ’emotional labor’ you’re going to get surface level love.”
I’m inclined to agree with this criticism. Healthy relationships usually require that we provide emotional support to our partners—the support “through daily challenges and inner turmoil,” derided as “mankeeping” in the article. Pathologizing this support is to misunderstand what close human relationships are even about. Loving someone else and receiving their affection and comfort requires give and take. It won’t always be perfectly equal, nor will it be entirely pleasant.
When the proposal for my upcoming book was on submission, I certainly was not particularly pleasant to emo
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