To Get Through the Election, Use Ozempic
The two major party candidates provide ample reasons for pessimism about the future of the republic. If you’re a fanatical partisan on the left or right, you may find yourself compulsively stuffing your face with gluten-free avocado toast or nacho cheese Doritos, respectively.Â
Ditto if you’re a double-hating libertarian who is just about ready to give into solipsism.Â
If you don’t want to become diabetic from nervous snacking as you worry about what a candidate’s most rabid supporters will do if their preferred authoritarian is not elected, you should consider pairing a shot of Ozempic with your election season doomscrolling.Â
Of course, there are many ways to achieve the caloric golden mean. You could simply get some fresh air and go for a walk. A decidedly less healthful (but significantly more fun) way to shed the pounds is to sate your cravings by smoking a cigarette. Hell, maybe even a carton if you live in a sin-tax-free state. If you live in a swing state, doing 10 push-ups every time you receive a GOTV text could jumpstart a new life of increased upper body strength. However, if you have deep pockets (or generous insurance), you could also consider injecting Ozempic as appetite-suppressing preventative care.
While both major party candidates can seem inhuman, they aren’t lizard people (we are pretty sure). Oddly enough, though, semaglutide does have a reptilian connection: the active ingredient in Ozempic is a synthetic version of a metabolism-suppressing hormone found in Gila monster venom. Â
Both possible presidential candidates have promised not to touch Medicare, Medicaid, and Veterans Affairs or to expand them. The 42 percent of obese Americans disproportionately avail themselves of these taxpayer-funded transfer programs.Â
Bipartisan monetary laxity and fiscal irresponsibility aren’t going away anytime soon—though we’re working hard to change that at Reason. Our cravings, both financial and gastronom
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